When I first started this blog it was with the intentions of having a place where I could explore my sexuality in a "safe" environment. I also wanted to be able to share some of my writing as several had told me it shouldn't be kept to myself. Along the way, there have been a lot of surprises...mostly all good. To name a few, I found that posing my body, mostly in the nude, for a photo wasn't terrifying. I discovered that posting those mostly nude photos was actually very liberating. I've met some very nice, wonderful people.
Then, I had a somewhat sharp attack of conscience. I've made no secret that except for brief releases, I am a good girl and this so called naughty side stays firmly out of sight. It dawns on me that perhaps it might come across as if I'm ashamed to have decidedly naughty or kinky or base desires. That isn't true...but I am not used to sharing those things in such a public forum. Anyway, I felt that maybe I'd gotten caught up in the freeness of it all. It sort of reminds me of the baby that is starting to walk. Those first steps are kind of wobbly and then with praise and encouragement she lets go of the coffee table and starts walking. Then suddenly she realizes that she's not holding on to anything and falls to her butt terrified of having let go.
Well...I fell to my butt terrified of what I'd exposed of myself. It wasn't just to the kind readers that are always encouraging and thoughtful with their comments. It wasn't just to the few nasty readers who left some hurtful words. It wasn't just to DF. I felt exposed to myself and frankly it was sort of a shock.
I've always been the kind to run like the wind when things became complicated or confusing. I never want to be the first to voice a new feeling in the relationship for fear that I'm the only one feeling it. I suppose you could say that I'm a shallow person...never wanting to dig or feel too deep. You get hurt when you feel to deeply and I hate getting hurt. So, when a probing question came, my answer was honest and gasp...more than surface level...the urge to close shop and run came swift.
I felt that more than what I wanted to be revealed was as plain as day for anyone clicking by. I needed to step back and reconsider what I was letting go of here. Perhaps it seems down right silly to be this emotional about a blog, but I've been honest here and I let my emotions bleed right into so many posts. I might not know your face if I saw you on the street, but you are real people and you do know an awful lot about me. For the good girl it was a scary thought.
But, one of the best things to come from reflection and thinking is the revelation. I am exactly who I am and probably exactly who I should be. I am the young woman who holds down a darn respectable job, who influences lives on a daily basis, who loves her family and values friendships beyond all else. I am a spiritual person who believes in someone far greater than myself. I have values and morals that I'd fight to defend. I'm also the young woman who craves the touch of fingers that bring me to orgasm. I am the one who enjoys the sting of a bite or the slap of a hand across my ass. This mouth can say the dirtiest of things and the sound of a rough growl as he comes sounds like music in my ear. A few of my desires and tastes run toward the dark and base. Still...it is all me.
I feared for a while that this blog would have to go as I couldn't seem to balance out the good and the naughty. I tried...several weeks of silence and I still feel a tug to write and share. My revelation...I am who I am and fighting one or trying to be all the other is pointless. From here on out there has to be a blend and a balance. There are some things that I simply need to keep a little bit more private if for no one else but myself. There are some things that can be shared that are simply not dark or kinky but are things that just bring me joy.
It is funny because in a way I might be exposing even more of myself. But, it feels okay and right. So, thank you to those of you who stuck around and didn't want me to just float away on the wind. And dear blog...welcome back!